I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
