I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Quick, to the slutcave!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
