we have officially lost it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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