I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
