When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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