It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
