there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
