Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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