Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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