Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
