got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
