all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We had to coat check the pizza.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
