i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
