sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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