Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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