my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
