Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And my parents said I crawled through the house
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
