True but thats because hes a fetus.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
