I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
