remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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