I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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