I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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