Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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