I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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