I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
