he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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