So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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