new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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