I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
