Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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