So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
