she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
