Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
