Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
