The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I pour the whiskey from now on
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
