Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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