Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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