just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize