fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize