How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
