brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
