my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
These tits shall not be calmed
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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