he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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