She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
