I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize