grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
