if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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