I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
