oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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