everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
