i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
