I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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