Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
