My sheets look like a crime scene.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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