i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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