the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
